Jenna Birch's new book sat on my desk for months before I open it. The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love is about why smart, successful independent women - the type of women men profess to want - have trouble finding steady relationships.

在我打開珍娜·伯奇的新書之前，它已經(jīng)在我的桌上躺了好幾個(gè)月了。The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love這本書寫的是為什么聰慧、成功、獨(dú)立的女性很難找到穩(wěn)定的戀情--就是男人聲稱希望得到的那種女人。

For years my single girlfriends and I have been told by the men we date: You're everything I'm looking for, but I just don't feel it. Or: You're great, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. We've heard the same refrains for decades, in breakup talks with men in their 20s, 30s, even their 40s. I didn't want to open the book because it felt too close to home.

多年來，約會(huì)對(duì)象都對(duì)我和我的單身姐妹如是說：你就是我要找的一切，但我卻感受不到。或者：你很好，但我還沒準(zhǔn)備好開始一段戀情。幾十年來，20多歲、30多歲、甚至40多歲的男人都會(huì)在分手談話中說同樣的話，我們聽太多遍了。我不想翻開這本書、怕扎心。

But I'm glad I did. Because in it I found empathy for the women who hear these things and the men who say them. And an explanation for why seemingly good matches fall apart or never come to fruition.

但我很高興我打開了。因?yàn)樵谶@本書中，我看到了對(duì)聽到這些話的女性的同情，以及對(duì)說這些話的男性的同情。這本書也解釋了為什么看起來天造地設(shè)的一對(duì)會(huì)分手或者從未修成正果。

Perplexed by her own dating struggles, Birch dug into research and spoke to 100 men and women about why it's so hard to find the relationship they desire. She does more than blame online dating's flakiness and an abundance of choice - which singles have been living through for years. Rather, Birch finds an explanation in the enduring pressure men feel to be providers, even in an era when, in about a third of married or cohabiting couples, women bring in half or more of the household's earnings.

受約會(huì)的困擾，伯奇深入研究，與100位男女交談：為什么很難找到他們希望得到的那種戀情。她不單指責(zé)網(wǎng)絡(luò)約會(huì)的片面性和選擇的多樣性--多年來單身人士都是這么過的。相反，伯奇在男性作為養(yǎng)家主力所承受的持久壓力中找到了解釋，甚至在約三分之一的已婚或同居夫婦的時(shí)代中，女性帶來的收入是家庭收入的一半或更多。

Until men can provide for a family, Birch finds, they don't feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who's smart and independent, studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.

伯奇發(fā)現(xiàn)，在男性可以養(yǎng)家糊口之前，他們覺得認(rèn)真約會(huì)或者做出終身承諾并不自在。不管男性說他們多么想要一個(gè)和他們一樣的另一半，聰慧獨(dú)立的女性總會(huì)讓男人感到沮喪或自卑，研究發(fā)現(xiàn)。

Birch and I spoke about her book last week; the following interview has been edited for clarity and length. How did you decide that this was the question you wanted to interrogate?

上周，我和伯奇聊了聊她的新書；下面這段視頻已經(jīng)過剪輯，既清晰又長(zhǎng)度適中。你是如何認(rèn)定這就是你想問的問題的呢？

Jenna Birch's new book sat on my desk for months before I open it. The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love is about why smart, successful independent women - the type of women men profess to want - have trouble finding steady relationships.

在我打開珍娜·伯奇的新書之前，它已經(jīng)在我的桌上躺了好幾個(gè)月了。The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love這本書寫的是為什么聰慧、成功、獨(dú)立的女性很難找到穩(wěn)定的戀情--就是男人聲稱希望得到的那種女人。

For years my single girlfriends and I have been told by the men we date: You're everything I'm looking for, but I just don't feel it. Or: You're great, but I'm just not ready for a relationship. We've heard the same refrains for decades, in breakup talks with men in their 20s, 30s, even their 40s. I didn't want to open the book because it felt too close to home.

多年來，約會(huì)對(duì)象都對(duì)我和我的單身姐妹如是說：你就是我要找的一切，但我卻感受不到。或者：你很好，但我還沒準(zhǔn)備好開始一段戀情。幾十年來，20多歲、30多歲、甚至40多歲的男人都會(huì)在分手談話中說同樣的話，我們聽太多遍了。我不想翻開這本書、怕扎心。

But I'm glad I did. Because in it I found empathy for the women who hear these things and the men who say them. And an explanation for why seemingly good matches fall apart or never come to fruition.

但我很高興我打開了。因?yàn)樵谶@本書中，我看到了對(duì)聽到這些話的女性的同情，以及對(duì)說這些話的男性的同情。這本書也解釋了為什么看起來天造地設(shè)的一對(duì)會(huì)分手或者從未修成正果。

Perplexed by her own dating struggles, Birch dug into research and spoke to 100 men and women about why it's so hard to find the relationship they desire. She does more than blame online dating's flakiness and an abundance of choice - which singles have been living through for years. Rather, Birch finds an explanation in the enduring pressure men feel to be providers, even in an era when, in about a third of married or cohabiting couples, women bring in half or more of the household's earnings.

受約會(huì)的困擾，伯奇深入研究，與100位男女交談：為什么很難找到他們希望得到的那種戀情。她不單指責(zé)網(wǎng)絡(luò)約會(huì)的片面性和選擇的多樣性--多年來單身人士都是這么過的。相反，伯奇在男性作為養(yǎng)家主力所承受的持久壓力中找到了解釋，甚至在約三分之一的已婚或同居夫婦的時(shí)代中，女性帶來的收入是家庭收入的一半或更多。

Until men can provide for a family, Birch finds, they don't feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who's smart and independent, studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.

伯奇發(fā)現(xiàn)，在男性可以養(yǎng)家糊口之前，他們覺得認(rèn)真約會(huì)或者做出終身承諾并不自在。不管男性說他們多么想要一個(gè)和他們一樣的另一半，聰慧獨(dú)立的女性總會(huì)讓男人感到沮喪或自卑，研究發(fā)現(xiàn)。

Birch and I spoke about her book last week; the following interview has been edited for clarity and length. How did you decide that this was the question you wanted to interrogate?

上周，我和伯奇聊了聊她的新書；下面這段視頻已經(jīng)過剪輯，既清晰又長(zhǎng)度適中。你是如何認(rèn)定這就是你想問的問題的呢？