Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developingsintostruly strong and independent individuals.

　　Do modern luxuries serve to undermine our true strength and independence as individuals? The speaker believes so, and I tend to agree. Consider the automobile, for example. Most people consider the automobile a necessity rather than a luxury; yet it is for this very reason that the automobile so aptly supports the speakers point. To the extent that we depend on cars as crutches, they prevent us from becoming truly independent and strong in character as individuals.

　　可借鑒之處：開頭啟用了一個非常醒目的問句，這是最能吸引批卷者視線也是高分作文的表現!

　　Consider first the effect of the automobile on our independence as individuals. In some respects the automobile serves to enhance such independence. For example, cars make it possible for people in isolated and depressed areas without public transportation to become more independent by pursuing gainful employment outside their communities. And teenagers discover that owning a car, or even borrowing one on occasion, affords them a needed sense of independence from their parents.

　　此段主要是為下一段的駁論作鋪墊。

　　精華：Consider first...

　　in some respects...=in some cases, to some extent

　　注意afford的用法

　　However, cars have diminished our independence in a number of more significant respects.

　　Weve grown dependent on our cars for commuting to work. We rely on them like crutches for short trips to the corner store, and for carting our children to and from school. Moreover, the car has become a means not only to our assorted physical destinations but also to the attainment of our socioeconomic goals, insofar as the automobile has become a symbol of status. In fact, in my observation many, if not most, working professionals willingly undermine their financial security for the sake of being seen driving this years new SUV or luxury sedan. In short, weve become slaves to the automobile.

　　精華：diminish our independence in a number of more significant respects

　　注意not onlybut also的用法

　　沒有什么驚天地泣鬼神的事例，但卻能用平常生活中的點滴起到說理的作用，此法值得借鑒。

　　Consider next the overall impact of the automobile on our strength as individuals, by which I mean strength of character, or mettle. I would be hard-pressed to list one way in which the automobile enhances ones strength of character. Driving a powerful SUV might afford a person a feeling and appearance of strength, or machismo. But this feeling has nothing to do with a persons true character. In contrast, there is a certain strength of character that comes with eschewing modern conveniences such as cars, and with the knowledge that one is contributing to a cleaner and quieter environment, a safer neighborhood, and arguably a more genteel society. Also, alternative modes of transportation such as bicycling and walking are forms of exercise which require and promote the virtue of self-discipline. Finally, in my observation people who have forsaken the automobile spend more time at home,swheresthey are more inclined to prepare and even grow their own food, and to spend more time with their families. The former enhances ones independence; the latter enhances the integrity of ones values and the strength of ones family.精華：contribute to Consider next...Also,...Finally,...in my observation...

　　Be inclined to do sth. = cling to do sth. = intend to do sth. = be apt to do / aptly do sth.

　　一種比較簡單易行的對比/類比：The formerthe latter

　　To sum up, the automobile helps illustrate that when a luxury becomes a necessity it can sap our independence and strength as individuals. Perhaps our society is better off, on balance, with such luxuries after all, the automobile industry has created countless jobs, raised our standard of living, and made the world more interesting. However, by becoming slaves to the automobile we trade off a certain independence and inner strength.

　　此文章得分應該是5分了。為什么?首先，頭尾都不錯;其次，全文無太多的語法錯誤，表意清晰，舉例恰到好處;再次，分析手法運用了不完全否定的同意的辯論方式，這是最保守的做法。

　　Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, they in fact, prevent people from developingsintostruly strong and independent individuals.

　　Do modern luxuries serve to undermine our true strength and independence as individuals? The speaker believes so, and I tend to agree. Consider the automobile, for example. Most people consider the automobile a necessity rather than a luxury; yet it is for this very reason that the automobile so aptly supports the speakers point. To the extent that we depend on cars as crutches, they prevent us from becoming truly independent and strong in character as individuals.

　　可借鑒之處：開頭啟用了一個非常醒目的問句，這是最能吸引批卷者視線也是高分作文的表現!

　　Consider first the effect of the automobile on our independence as individuals. In some respects the automobile serves to enhance such independence. For example, cars make it possible for people in isolated and depressed areas without public transportation to become more independent by pursuing gainful employment outside their communities. And teenagers discover that owning a car, or even borrowing one on occasion, affords them a needed sense of independence from their parents.

　　此段主要是為下一段的駁論作鋪墊。

　　精華：Consider first...

　　in some respects...=in some cases, to some extent

　　注意afford的用法

　　However, cars have diminished our independence in a number of more significant respects.

　　Weve grown dependent on our cars for commuting to work. We rely on them like crutches for short trips to the corner store, and for carting our children to and from school. Moreover, the car has become a means not only to our assorted physical destinations but also to the attainment of our socioeconomic goals, insofar as the automobile has become a symbol of status. In fact, in my observation many, if not most, working professionals willingly undermine their financial security for the sake of being seen driving this years new SUV or luxury sedan. In short, weve become slaves to the automobile.

　　精華：diminish our independence in a number of more significant respects

　　注意not onlybut also的用法

　　沒有什么驚天地泣鬼神的事例，但卻能用平常生活中的點滴起到說理的作用，此法值得借鑒。

　　Consider next the overall impact of the automobile on our strength as individuals, by which I mean strength of character, or mettle. I would be hard-pressed to list one way in which the automobile enhances ones strength of character. Driving a powerful SUV might afford a person a feeling and appearance of strength, or machismo. But this feeling has nothing to do with a persons true character. In contrast, there is a certain strength of character that comes with eschewing modern conveniences such as cars, and with the knowledge that one is contributing to a cleaner and quieter environment, a safer neighborhood, and arguably a more genteel society. Also, alternative modes of transportation such as bicycling and walking are forms of exercise which require and promote the virtue of self-discipline. Finally, in my observation people who have forsaken the automobile spend more time at home,swheresthey are more inclined to prepare and even grow their own food, and to spend more time with their families. The former enhances ones independence; the latter enhances the integrity of ones values and the strength of ones family.精華：contribute to Consider next...Also,...Finally,...in my observation...

　　Be inclined to do sth. = cling to do sth. = intend to do sth. = be apt to do / aptly do sth.

　　一種比較簡單易行的對比/類比：The formerthe latter

　　To sum up, the automobile helps illustrate that when a luxury becomes a necessity it can sap our independence and strength as individuals. Perhaps our society is better off, on balance, with such luxuries after all, the automobile industry has created countless jobs, raised our standard of living, and made the world more interesting. However, by becoming slaves to the automobile we trade off a certain independence and inner strength.

　　此文章得分應該是5分了。為什么?首先，頭尾都不錯;其次，全文無太多的語法錯誤，表意清晰，舉例恰到好處;再次，分析手法運用了不完全否定的同意的辯論方式，這是最保守的做法。