"Pretty" has always been a conditional adjective for me. My entire life I've heard, "You're pretty for a dark-skinned girl." "You'd be prettier if . . ." Growing up, I didn't want to play outside too long out of fear of getting darker. I'd wish I had skin tones like my mom and dad, who are both light skinned. I'd hear whispers about whether I was my parents' child because there was no way I, a dark-skinned little girl, could have picked up genes from my dark-skinned grandparents.

人們總用"漂亮"這個(gè)詞形容我的外在。我活了這么多年，總是聽到別人說，"雖然你黑，但你好看啊。""如果……，你會(huì)更好看。"長(zhǎng)大一點(diǎn)后，我不喜歡在外玩太久，因?yàn)槲遗聲竦母?。我真希望能和爸爸媽媽一樣膚色較淺。我曾聽到別人八卦，說我不是父母親生的，因?yàn)榭偛豢赡芪移つw黑是因?yàn)檫z傳了祖父祖母吧。

Not only was my perception of pretty shaped by how my peers, family members, and society saw my deep brown skin, but my hair was always a topic of a conversation, too. My hair was my crown and glory, at least that is what I was taught. Every week, I spent hours in the hair salon getting my hair chemically straightened.

我的同伴、家人和社會(huì)對(duì)待我棕色皮膚的看法塑造了我對(duì)美的感知。我的頭發(fā)也總是人們的談資。我的頭發(fā)是我的驕傲，至少我是這么想的。我每周都會(huì)去理發(fā)店化學(xué)拉直我的頭發(fā)。

I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect.

只有當(dāng)頭發(fā)處于完美狀態(tài)時(shí)，我才會(huì)覺得自己美炸了。

Throughout my teenage and college years, I spent hours in front of the mirror, straightening my hair until it was bone straight. I was known for my "pretty" hair. I would often have people ask what I was mixed with because normal black girls couldn't have "good hair," especially not those with dark skin. Having to always have my hair laid was exhausting. I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect. My hair was my crown and glory, so that was the only way the world would see me as beautiful, right?

青春期和大學(xué)時(shí)代，我會(huì)在鏡子前坐上幾個(gè)小時(shí)--把頭發(fā)拉直。大家都知道我有一頭"漂亮"的長(zhǎng)發(fā)?？倳?huì)有人問我頭發(fā)是怎么弄的，因?yàn)橐话愕暮谌斯媚锊豢赡苡羞@么"好看的"頭發(fā)，尤其是皮膚黑黑的姑娘?？偸抢鳖^發(fā)是件累活。但只有當(dāng)頭發(fā)處于完美狀態(tài)時(shí)，我才會(huì)覺得自己美美的。我的頭發(fā)是我的皇冠、我的榮耀，所以只有那樣，大家才會(huì)覺得我漂亮，對(duì)嗎？

Shortly after I graduated from college, I went natural. Well, sort of. I grew my relaxer out bit by bit, cutting off the ends every six to eight weeks. To most people, my hair was still pretty, but I was again spending hours manipulating it to make sure it fit into the mold of the 3C hair type most find beautiful. One day, I cut it all off. I felt liberated. As a woman whose beauty was defined by the length and texture of her hair, without knowing it, I was redefining my "pretty."

大學(xué)畢業(yè)后不久，我開始放任自然卷了。當(dāng)然是在一定程度上。我一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的減少順發(fā)劑的使用量，每6至8周剪一次發(fā)梢。大多數(shù)人仍然覺得我的頭發(fā)好看，但我又開始花幾個(gè)小時(shí)做頭發(fā)，確保我的頭發(fā)是3C型的、確保大多數(shù)人覺得我的頭發(fā)好看。有一天，我把頭發(fā)全剪了，我感受到了自由。以前，人們總是以頭發(fā)長(zhǎng)短和柔順度定義我美不美，現(xiàn)在，我要重新定義"美麗"的含義。

"Pretty" has always been a conditional adjective for me. My entire life I've heard, "You're pretty for a dark-skinned girl." "You'd be prettier if . . ." Growing up, I didn't want to play outside too long out of fear of getting darker. I'd wish I had skin tones like my mom and dad, who are both light skinned. I'd hear whispers about whether I was my parents' child because there was no way I, a dark-skinned little girl, could have picked up genes from my dark-skinned grandparents.

人們總用"漂亮"這個(gè)詞形容我的外在。我活了這么多年，總是聽到別人說，"雖然你黑，但你好看啊。""如果……，你會(huì)更好看。"長(zhǎng)大一點(diǎn)后，我不喜歡在外玩太久，因?yàn)槲遗聲竦母凇Ｎ艺嫦Ｍ芎桶职謰寢屢粯幽w色較淺。我曾聽到別人八卦，說我不是父母親生的，因?yàn)榭偛豢赡芪移つw黑是因?yàn)檫z傳了祖父祖母吧。

Not only was my perception of pretty shaped by how my peers, family members, and society saw my deep brown skin, but my hair was always a topic of a conversation, too. My hair was my crown and glory, at least that is what I was taught. Every week, I spent hours in the hair salon getting my hair chemically straightened.

我的同伴、家人和社會(huì)對(duì)待我棕色皮膚的看法塑造了我對(duì)美的感知。我的頭發(fā)也總是人們的談資。我的頭發(fā)是我的驕傲，至少我是這么想的。我每周都會(huì)去理發(fā)店化學(xué)拉直我的頭發(fā)。

I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect.

只有當(dāng)頭發(fā)處于完美狀態(tài)時(shí)，我才會(huì)覺得自己美炸了。

Throughout my teenage and college years, I spent hours in front of the mirror, straightening my hair until it was bone straight. I was known for my "pretty" hair. I would often have people ask what I was mixed with because normal black girls couldn't have "good hair," especially not those with dark skin. Having to always have my hair laid was exhausting. I didn't feel pretty unless my hair was perfect. My hair was my crown and glory, so that was the only way the world would see me as beautiful, right?

青春期和大學(xué)時(shí)代，我會(huì)在鏡子前坐上幾個(gè)小時(shí)--把頭發(fā)拉直。大家都知道我有一頭"漂亮"的長(zhǎng)發(fā)?？倳?huì)有人問我頭發(fā)是怎么弄的，因?yàn)橐话愕暮谌斯媚锊豢赡苡羞@么"好看的"頭發(fā)，尤其是皮膚黑黑的姑娘?？偸抢鳖^發(fā)是件累活。但只有當(dāng)頭發(fā)處于完美狀態(tài)時(shí)，我才會(huì)覺得自己美美的。我的頭發(fā)是我的皇冠、我的榮耀，所以只有那樣，大家才會(huì)覺得我漂亮，對(duì)嗎？

Shortly after I graduated from college, I went natural. Well, sort of. I grew my relaxer out bit by bit, cutting off the ends every six to eight weeks. To most people, my hair was still pretty, but I was again spending hours manipulating it to make sure it fit into the mold of the 3C hair type most find beautiful. One day, I cut it all off. I felt liberated. As a woman whose beauty was defined by the length and texture of her hair, without knowing it, I was redefining my "pretty."

大學(xué)畢業(yè)后不久，我開始放任自然卷了。當(dāng)然是在一定程度上。我一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的減少順發(fā)劑的使用量，每6至8周剪一次發(fā)梢。大多數(shù)人仍然覺得我的頭發(fā)好看，但我又開始花幾個(gè)小時(shí)做頭發(fā)，確保我的頭發(fā)是3C型的、確保大多數(shù)人覺得我的頭發(fā)好看。有一天，我把頭發(fā)全剪了，我感受到了自由。以前，人們總是以頭發(fā)長(zhǎng)短和柔順度定義我美不美，現(xiàn)在，我要重新定義"美麗"的含義。